The way it goes

Ruminations on objectification.  And submission.  And marriage.

As my husband and I muddle through our issues around Monogamy, (capital M), we are looking for what it is that threatens us... and what challenges us.  Where do our true feelings bump up against our/the unquestioned commonly held beliefs about what a Marriage is.

From last August through December (with bubbles earlier in this year as well) I had a relationship with N.  He was my, at least nominally, SASS- Spousally Approved Sex on the Side.  I recognize that N. and I traveled a road perhaps a little far from just SASS- we became playmates- pals who fucked, and wrote about it, sent each other hot and goofy assignments and photographs, etc. etc. He called me his girlfriend.  I liked it.  I thought of myself as his toy.  And I am fine with that.  It was liberating.  I was objectified- and still me.  I didn't lose any of my "self" or feel less-than in any way.

I've never been actively "submissive" in my sexual relationships, but N. likes to be dominant, and I like him that way.  Tell me what to do.  I surrender myself to pleasing you.  Take me off the shelf and play with me.

Every now and then in our conversations my husband will say, "but you're my wife!" Usually this means:

1. How can my wife be willing to be someone else's toy?  Or anyone's toy? 
2. What does it mean about my wife that she takes pleasure in that? 
3. What does it say about me?? 
4. How can I possibly be ok with this?

You might wonder why he doesn't fulfill the D/s desire that I have.  It's not how we've ever related sexually.  He doesn't want to.  And I like him the way he is. Plus, it's something of a latent desire.  I've never really explored it before.

N. said a while back that he and I are different- that he knows where he is with his sexuality, and his blog and his life are expressions of that.  I'm still figuring it out for myself: what I like, what I want, and with whom.  How do I assimilate those needs and desires into my relationship with my husband, or if that's not compatible, how do we both find peace in not being everything to each other all of the time?

The way through isn't clear, but the journey is compelling.  I'm learning and stretching and continuing.