grey matters

I've been reasonably happily married for twelve years.  Recently I've started playing with new people. And by playing, I mean fucking. With my husband's knowledge and tolerance- if not outright enthusiasm.  So far he doesn't want to join me, but understands my need and is willing to let me go wherever it is that that need pulls me.  So, now I live in a little bit of a grey zone.  I'm on adventures that have been blowing my mind around sex, and yet, I really can't talk about them much at all- having determined that the societal expectations around monogamy and marriage are more than I want to challenge.  Hence the blog.  Hello, Blogger, I love you.

Where I've needed to go so far has included- almost always accompanied by N-: a strip club, a swingers party (twice), a swingers club, various hourly hotels, and on adventures that the above locations having been a part of but not the endgame itself: for example,  I've let N. pick out my panties, and dictate my moves (he is infinitely gentlemanly- but he does spank and pull hair occasionally- both things it turns out I like), request photos, and give me assignments. 
 I have kissed a woman, and felt her fingers in my cunt.  I have tested the waters of internet dating, an adventure in and of itself; writing the profile was illuminating and fun.  I've been on a couple of dates as a result- one that ended in a blowjob. (This still makes me blush- I never had much casual sex, and I find that I'm mildly ashamed and embarrassed by this... tho that just makes me think it's one of the grey zones I should explore).
I've also written some smut, and read some aloud (both totally fun).  I've recorded myself coming, and sent that recording to N.

This year has included a lot of firsts for me, and I'm excited about what the future may hold.  I'm also trepidatious-I think the key for me will be to stay true to myself and go at my own pace. Of course, the only way to know where your walls are is to brush up against them ;-).